Posted in Life

Life

My cousins son is struggling right now and I have just written him a letter.  I think its somehting I want to share.

Hi honey

I’ve been talking to your mum and she tells me that you have been struggling a lot lately.  I know it sounds trite but sometimes life is a little like that.  We all have days/weeks where it feels like there’s no point but please don’t think that this is all there is. Every person, every being on this planet has worth.  You are young, you haven’t found your path yet but trust me, it’s out there and when you find it everything will change.

That doesn’t mean that there won’t be bad days. It just means that there will be way more good days than bad.

Let me tell you a little story.  Bear with me, it’s going to be a little wordy, and it’s going to be brutally honest, and it’s probably going to say some things that you won’t want to hear or won’t make sense.

21 years ago my brother took his own life.

The day he did that he broke something inside me and all the rest of my family that will never be repaired.

The family immediately fractured.  He had 2 daughters, one who I have never met.  The other came back into my life this year.  They never got to know him.  They barely even know what he looked like.  Their mother removed all traces of him from her world.  They refer to him as Peter.  He was never Peter.  He was Pete and he was dad.

Do I still cry for him?  You betcha I do.  Even after 21 years it just takes a song on the radio and I am back to that day.  I must look like a mad lady, driving down the road with tears streaming down my face.

Do I still go to ring him every time something happens?  No I don’t.  That finally stopped happening about 10 years ago.  Nowa days I just look up and ask out loud if he saw that.  You see, even after all this time I still want to share the stuff that makes up my world with him.  That has never gone away and it still hurts that I can’t.

You see XXXX that boy took a part of me with him that is never coming back.  When he ended his life he told me that my love for him wasn’t enough and since that day I have never trusted that it will ever be.  I no longer have a best friend, or even really friends.  I tend to keep to myself outside of work and my immediate family.  I consider a successful weekend to be one where I have managed to not leave the house.  Very few people know terribly much about me.  I smile a lot and I talk a lot and because of that people think I share a lot but most people have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my world at all.  I’m a bit of a magician like that haha

I have huge anxiety because I am always worried about letting everyone down.  Sometimes this leads to panic attacks.  I had to leave a wedding in a hurry just a couple of months ago because I freaked out.

There is loads more but those are pretty much the high lights.  Right now I am going to beg you not to do this to your family.  Not to do this to your sisters.  Don’t let them live with the pain and heartache that I have lived the majority of my life with.  It doesn’t go away for them, they don’t get over it.

Now we are going to turn this around and move away from the sad.

Life is good honey, and it’s a better world with you in it.  Sometimes we forget that people love us while we are hurting and I promise you, you are loved.

The teen’s are the worst of it.  Actually they suck great assmonkey’s.  I wouldn’t go back to that time of my life if you paid me.  Your body and you brain haven’t stopped developing yet and all the hormone crap is racing around in there not doing its job properly, or over doing it often, leading to big highs and lows and chemical freak outs.  That’s why certain drugs can help you feel better and sometimes, if it’s not the right one or combination, can make you feel worse.  If it wasn’t an internal thing then they wouldn’t work at all.  All this going on inside you can make you do, think and act in ways that aren’t you.  As I have always told my kids, this is not an excuse but a reality.  What you do with it from there is your responsibility and choice.

You are nearly through this part of your life.  Pretty soon all the internal stuff is going to start settling down.  Whatever triggers that have caused this crash are still going to be there, but they are going to find their place and become something that happened that shaped you into who you are, not the thing that defines you.  Nobody gets through life without bad shit happening, it’s what we do next that counts.

Sometimes we have trouble with the bit that comes next. It’s ok to get help, and don’t think you have to accept the first doctor/therapist that you go to.  They are like hair dressers and tattooists.  You have to find one that fits you. If you don’t like them or they annoy you then it’s not going to work.  Ask to try a different person.  This pretty much works for everything you do in life . . . except social welfare.  There you just have to deal with the asshat they assign you.

One day this will all be behind you and you will be stronger for it PLUS because of what you have been through you will have great empathy for others when they are struggling.  This is a good thing.  People without empathy are arseholes.

Sooooooo after many many words what I am trying to say is this.  I love you.  Your mum and your dad love you. Your sisters love you and so so so many other people love you.  Hang in there kid because it will get better.

In the little bag is a bracelet of the manly leather kind.  It’s a real one not some cheap piece of crap from a market or $2 shop.  It’s for you.  I want you to put it on and wear it so that every time you look down you know that I am right here if you need me.  I am only ever a phone call away.

I love you little fella

Aunty Toni xxx

 

Posted in ARRRRGGGGHHHHH, craft, cross stitch, Life

Easter Bought A Cyclone And An ‘F’ Word

Twas the night before Easter

And all through the bay

All the things were a stirring

As a cyclone hit our house

Yep that is correct.  Easter arrived along with Cyclone Cook. I have had my car for just a wee bit over a year and on Wednesday night I discovered that when you are aqua-planing down the road ALL the bells and whistles go off on your dash.  It was a minor over reaction by my car as I was on a straight road going in a straight line, but entertaining to say the least.

The rain was rather torrential and this was Cyclone Cook’s warm up.  There was already extensive flooding across the Waikato and I live in the bay and have to travel over the Kaimai Range twice everyday for work.  This can be a harrowing piece of road in a bit of rain let alone a cyclone.

So I took the following day off 🙂

Yes, I was a weather sook 🙂

It rained and rained and rained, so me and the kitties stayed inside and I stitched while they catted.

The following day was Good Friday so nothing was open and landslides had closed most of the roads so we stayed home.  I stitched, the kitties catted and my husband feffed about doing boy stuff.

Saturday dawned bright and sunny and the annual Rotary book fair was on so I was there when it opened.  I hate crowds and hoped to bet them.  I did not. What is it about secondhand books that brings out the asshole in some people?  I got stood on, pushed, elbowed and run over by old ladies on mobility scooters, and that’s not including the time that someone grabbed a book out of my hand or the number of times people reached across to grab something on the other side of me.

Manners people, manners!

But I did score more for my book collection 😀

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9 books and a total of $33 spent 🙂 Yes books are very expensive here so this is quite the bargain 🙂

Then after a wee trip to Nosh for dinner noms it was back home and some more stitching.

Sunday arrived with a visit for a bunny.  I had a lovely surprise for my daughter . . .

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She snapchatted it with a caption of ‘F%$k you mum, F#@k you’ with crying laughing emoji’s to which I pointed out that wasn’t very polite.  She came back with ‘you are a horrible human being’.

It would probably be important to point out that she is being the gym chick at the moment and only eating chicken and salad but she has a terrible sweet tooth so I was kind of mean haha 🙂

As, once again, nothing was open we just mucked about the house and in the afternoon I stitched.

I managed an epic 3,690 stitches in 4 days

AND FINALLY COMPLETTED TASH & KIDS!!!!!!!!

Yes that’s right, I have an F word!

Thank the lord I can finally move on to something with some actual colour that’s not brown!

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The photo doesn’t really do it justice.  It has come out quite beautiful and I am hopeful that Tash will love it.

With the completion of the above fast approaching I got out the tray with Warm My Heart on it.  This confused Squeaky Cat no end as he likes to sit under the coffee table so I found this happening.

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Easter Monday saw me pick up the knitting needles again and now bunny has 2 legs and is just awaiting 2 arms before completion.

The next couple of weeks is definitely going to be all about knitting I think.  I have about 20 knitted squares to catch up on for my patchwork blankie and they are really playing on my mind and, of course, I have a second bunny that needs a knitting.

I also have a stitching challenge of 1,500 stitches in the next 2 weeks so Warm My Heart will be coming out to play again as well.  And then there is also Bumblebee which will really need some love one day soon.

Good thing its winter because that’s the time to catch up on the WIP piles 🙂

Ka kete ano xxx

Posted in craft, cross stitch, Life

Admitting Defeat Gracefully

Sometimes you just have to face the fact that you are not going to achieve what you had hoped.  I have to face that reality with Tash & Kids.  I’m just not going to get it finished in time for her birthday.

Last week I was starting to stress majorly about getting it done.  I was staying up till after 12 stitching on nights when I was able.  When you consider that I get up at 5 every morning to leave the house by 6 for work and not home again until after 6 at night this was making me rather tired and possibly a little cranky.

Then a friend died very unexpectedly.  Massive heart attack they are saying. I don’t know him or his wife super well but enough to say hi and the occasional dinner has been shared with mutual friends, a couple of Karaoke nights and many sangrias and red wines.  Enough to feel his loss.  He was in good shape, had no history of heart disease in his family and only 56.  He was scaling down and going into semi retirement with plans of surfing, fishing, riding and enjoying his family.  There was no sign that anything like this was even on the horizon let alone immanent. This seems grossly unfair.

Makes you pause and re-evaluate things a little.  You just don’t know what is around that next corner and every day really is a gift.  So I have decided that I am not going to stress.  I have way to much other good stuff coming up in the next few weeks that I want to enjoy.  A friends wedding this weekend as well as a spa day, parachuting next weekend and a large BBQ dinner, my grandmothers birthday the one after that, and then the Adele concert followed by a daughter coming home and we are taking her to the 21 Pilots concert the weekend after that.  I’m going to enjoy these things.

On March 26 I am going to pop around to my friends house and show her this gift and then bring it home again with me to finish, hopefully in time for mothers day in May 🙂

I am not going to stress about this any more but I am going to keep on stitching it 🙂  Due to the above there was not as much stitching as there possibly should have been but progress has been made.  710 was the entire stitch count for the week.

Friday night, with everything that was happening, I just couldn’t concentrate to stitch so I hauled my rug out.  Progress is moving along quite nicely with this 🙂  Its fabulous ‘no thinking required’ work so great for days when your thinker is broke.

I might have to start photographing these facing the same way haha

Well that was my crafty world for this week.  Now go hug your friends and family then go out enjoy the fact that life is a fabulous gift and even though there are times when you might just be ready to give up if you look around there are always little moments that sparkle and a reason to smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Life

Oops I did it again

So last weekend was a bit of a fizzer.  It rained rather heavily almost all day Saturday and Sunday was just about as miserable.  Had to cancel both the walk up the big hill in my back yard as well as the scheduled activity which has been postponed for 2 weeks so I will surprise you with that one later.

We got bored.

By 10am all the chores were done and because we had no other plans outside of the cancelled ones we needed a new plan.

As chance would have it there was a Tattoo expo on so we went.  My husband has just recently gotten a large shoulder piece done and is looking at a cover up for his other shoulder so wanted to start looking at his options.

By the end of the first row I kinda decided I wanted another tattoo.  Was thinking maybe a paw print behind my ear.  I have kinda been thinking for a while that I wanted some sort of cat tattoo and that seemed a nice simple option.

By the final row it had evolved and I wanted something with paw prints down my spine.

It was rather a new experience getting one at an expo.

As I had not been planning this I had on a very poor choice of clothing aka: a maxi dress.  Luckily I was wearing a sports bra.  I ended up having to take my arms out of the sleeves and holding it up in front as it was my front bits which were pointing towards the audience. They had run out of black ink so while we waited Tommy, my carefully selected tattoo guy, was making comments about getting the girls out and swinging motions.  He was rather fun and it was all light hearted.  While we were waiting both Tommy and I decided to make a break for the bathrooms. You really know that you are at a tattoo expo when you run through a stadium holding up the front of your dress so the girls don’t fall out and nobody bats an eyelid hahaha

So this is tattoo #7.  Tommy did a fantastic job and it really has beautiful lines.

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I think I may have an addiction hahaha

Posted in craft, cross stitch, Life

Another deadline approaches

I’ve done it again.  I have once again given myself the impossible task of finishing a cross stitch by a set date that I have absolutely not chance of achieving hahahaha ~goes and sits in the corner and thumps head against wall~

Why why why do I do this to myself?  As if my job, kids and all the other things I have going on aren’t stressful enough, why do I set myself up with further angst and sleepless nights?

Don’t panic, I am not expecting and answer to that one as I am fairly confident that there isn’t one and that I will obviously do this to myself again at some stage in the future lol 😀  Lets just put it down to my ability to thrive on a deadline and leave it at that.

So I have set myself the impossible task of completing Tash & Kids by mid March.  This means that I have to stitch 500 stitches a day from here on if I wish to have any chance of achieving this goal.  As this is a confetti rich pattern the chances are slim to none but I am going to give it everything and hope for the best.  Might even take a couple of days off work to try and help with this goal.

Last weeks progress was only 1110 stitches so that was not a great start but as I only figured out the 500 a day thing on Sunday I will let that slide.

This weeks goal is definitely a page finish and at least 3000 stitches by Sunday. We can but try 🙂

During the week I had a day where for some reason my eyes were not behaving properly and I couldn’t see to stitch properly.  I did a lot of driving that day so wonder if it was maybe a bit of sun strike or something off the road.  I didn’t want to sit and do nothing so I picked up the floor rug that I am doing 🙂 Made some good progress on her too 🙂

I am actually really enjoying this and might just get the fox kit that they have after Tash & Kids and this one are done and do it up for Kayla for Christmas.

See there I go again, adding craft stress too my life hahahaha ~back in the corner going dribbly~

 

 

 

Posted in Life

Weekly round up

This week was a busy one, but then I am beginning to wonder when don’t we have a busy one. This weekend seems to have gone in a flash and I pretty much got no time to myself and the next weekend looks to be the same.

This past week I visited a client and found an unusual fence adornment

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I’m not 100% sure what this was about but it made me laugh so I took a photo 🙂

Our beautiful eldest went out so we got to play in the downstairs lounge for a bit 😀

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And I stole some Gladdies from my brothers garden

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In our quest for a stronger cardio system we once again tackled that big hill at the end of the road and this time took an old friend with us

That view really is stunning and well worth the hike 😀 As a bit of a treat I introduced Tina to Chia Lattes when we came down 🙂

Sunday was roast night and we had both my mum and my niece around for the meal 🙂 I impressed myself with my decorating skills and we had a pav

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A bloody tasty one it was too.

Dinner didn’t go completely to plan.  Darling husband put beautiful eldest’s car through a compression test as its been running a bit rough and somehow managed to break it completely.  Beautiful eldest then did her best she demon impression and we all hid from her.  Ralph worked on that car for 3 hours with multiple phone calls to friends before admitting defeat.  Luckily my cousins husband is an auto electrician so he came to our rescue after dinner and fixed it, thank heavens.  I swear I was pretty close to drawing a devils trap and sticking she demon in it until we could get an exorcist around.  All is well now and the she demon is back under control.  We have promised babysitting services in the not too distant future to my cousin for late night Sunday rescue services.  The kids are gorgeous so I am sure it won’t be a major chore 😀