Posted in Life

Life

My cousins son is struggling right now and I have just written him a letter.  I think its somehting I want to share.

Hi honey

I’ve been talking to your mum and she tells me that you have been struggling a lot lately.  I know it sounds trite but sometimes life is a little like that.  We all have days/weeks where it feels like there’s no point but please don’t think that this is all there is. Every person, every being on this planet has worth.  You are young, you haven’t found your path yet but trust me, it’s out there and when you find it everything will change.

That doesn’t mean that there won’t be bad days. It just means that there will be way more good days than bad.

Let me tell you a little story.  Bear with me, it’s going to be a little wordy, and it’s going to be brutally honest, and it’s probably going to say some things that you won’t want to hear or won’t make sense.

21 years ago my brother took his own life.

The day he did that he broke something inside me and all the rest of my family that will never be repaired.

The family immediately fractured.  He had 2 daughters, one who I have never met.  The other came back into my life this year.  They never got to know him.  They barely even know what he looked like.  Their mother removed all traces of him from her world.  They refer to him as Peter.  He was never Peter.  He was Pete and he was dad.

Do I still cry for him?  You betcha I do.  Even after 21 years it just takes a song on the radio and I am back to that day.  I must look like a mad lady, driving down the road with tears streaming down my face.

Do I still go to ring him every time something happens?  No I don’t.  That finally stopped happening about 10 years ago.  Nowa days I just look up and ask out loud if he saw that.  You see, even after all this time I still want to share the stuff that makes up my world with him.  That has never gone away and it still hurts that I can’t.

You see XXXX that boy took a part of me with him that is never coming back.  When he ended his life he told me that my love for him wasn’t enough and since that day I have never trusted that it will ever be.  I no longer have a best friend, or even really friends.  I tend to keep to myself outside of work and my immediate family.  I consider a successful weekend to be one where I have managed to not leave the house.  Very few people know terribly much about me.  I smile a lot and I talk a lot and because of that people think I share a lot but most people have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my world at all.  I’m a bit of a magician like that haha

I have huge anxiety because I am always worried about letting everyone down.  Sometimes this leads to panic attacks.  I had to leave a wedding in a hurry just a couple of months ago because I freaked out.

There is loads more but those are pretty much the high lights.  Right now I am going to beg you not to do this to your family.  Not to do this to your sisters.  Don’t let them live with the pain and heartache that I have lived the majority of my life with.  It doesn’t go away for them, they don’t get over it.

Now we are going to turn this around and move away from the sad.

Life is good honey, and it’s a better world with you in it.  Sometimes we forget that people love us while we are hurting and I promise you, you are loved.

The teen’s are the worst of it.  Actually they suck great assmonkey’s.  I wouldn’t go back to that time of my life if you paid me.  Your body and you brain haven’t stopped developing yet and all the hormone crap is racing around in there not doing its job properly, or over doing it often, leading to big highs and lows and chemical freak outs.  That’s why certain drugs can help you feel better and sometimes, if it’s not the right one or combination, can make you feel worse.  If it wasn’t an internal thing then they wouldn’t work at all.  All this going on inside you can make you do, think and act in ways that aren’t you.  As I have always told my kids, this is not an excuse but a reality.  What you do with it from there is your responsibility and choice.

You are nearly through this part of your life.  Pretty soon all the internal stuff is going to start settling down.  Whatever triggers that have caused this crash are still going to be there, but they are going to find their place and become something that happened that shaped you into who you are, not the thing that defines you.  Nobody gets through life without bad shit happening, it’s what we do next that counts.

Sometimes we have trouble with the bit that comes next. It’s ok to get help, and don’t think you have to accept the first doctor/therapist that you go to.  They are like hair dressers and tattooists.  You have to find one that fits you. If you don’t like them or they annoy you then it’s not going to work.  Ask to try a different person.  This pretty much works for everything you do in life . . . except social welfare.  There you just have to deal with the asshat they assign you.

One day this will all be behind you and you will be stronger for it PLUS because of what you have been through you will have great empathy for others when they are struggling.  This is a good thing.  People without empathy are arseholes.

Sooooooo after many many words what I am trying to say is this.  I love you.  Your mum and your dad love you. Your sisters love you and so so so many other people love you.  Hang in there kid because it will get better.

In the little bag is a bracelet of the manly leather kind.  It’s a real one not some cheap piece of crap from a market or $2 shop.  It’s for you.  I want you to put it on and wear it so that every time you look down you know that I am right here if you need me.  I am only ever a phone call away.

I love you little fella

Aunty Toni xxx

 

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Posted in craft, cross stitch

All Rugged Up

Not a massive amount to share from last week. I came down with rather a nasty tummy bug so there wasn’t much stitching in my world .  I sat with my rug and between bathroom runs and bucket breaks I worked on it.  Got through 3 seasons of Game of Thrones though so yay 😀

My rug is awfully close to being finished now and I am hopeful that this week will see it out 🙂

Its kinda ugly but I have learnt a lot and am keen to try again 🙂 I even have a cunning plan that I am in the process of sorting out where I might have a go at rugging up one of the HAED storykeeps but I will have to wait a little for this 🙂  You know how it is, if it wasn’t for the moths then my wallet would be empty lol 😉

I did manage to get a little stitching done late Saturday and on Sunday 🙂

The weather was extremely chilly so this was happening, which is a good excuse for a ‘do nothing’ day 🙂

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Ka kete ano xxx

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Getting Rugged Up

Sitting on the floor in front of the fire is the rug that I started at the beginning of the year.  Can anyone else believe that it is nearly June already! The rug is for in front of the fireplace to protect the carpet.

At least that’s what I tell people.  The rug is really just because I always wanted to make one so I am giving it a go 😉

Winter is fast approaching with jerseys being worn every day and nobody but surfies in thermal suits even considering the water as a play ground.  In saying that I went for a walk along the winters edge last weekend and it’s still surprisingly warm.  Not enough to convince me to go swimming but enough to paddle your feeties in.

I digress.

With winter rearing its chilly little head I can tell you that the heat pump is now on low level 24/7 and we are definitely only a weekend or 2 from our first fire.  As we have the heat pumps we only use the fire for the cosy factor on weekends. This means that I really ought to crack on with the rug and try to get it finished so the fat furry fellas have somewhere to sit in front of the fireplace 🙂

Start of week / End of week

I’m getting into the swing of things and its making good progress 🙂 Heading towards the halfway mark this week . . . hopefully.  Super swamped at work again this week so my evenings are tending to look more like napping on the couch than crafting the night away.

After the epic stitching marathons that occurred trying to get Tash & Kids finished I’m a little jaded with stitching right now.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to stitch, just that I want to play with other things for a little while.  I did get a couple of hundred stitches done over the week but nothing major.

Start of week / End of week

I had cousins everywhere over the weekend so this was the grand sum of my achievements.

I’m thinking the rug is probably going to be the priority for the next couple of weeks as the clutter from too many unfinished projects is driving me a little crackers.  I tidy things when I am working on projects but I don’t put them away.  I have found that if they are away they remain away so leaving them out works better.  However this does mean I have 1 knitting basket with Blanket #1 in it beside the TV, 1 knitting box with Blanket #2 in it under the secretary, 1 shopping basket with Diamond Painting kit in it on one side of the fireplace, neatly folded rug kit on other side of the fireplace and last but not least 1 x dinner tray with Warm My Heart cross stitch stuff under the coffee table..  Things are getting a mite crowded so I need to finish some stuff 🙂

Ka Kete Ano

 

Posted in craft, cross stitch, diamond painting

Whoops I Missed A Week

The busy season is back again.  Jolly old winter rocked up last week and I am now running from one end of the country to the other quoting.  This has meant that not nearly as much ‘me’ time as usual as its mostly ‘clean up after dinner and blob out on the couch till someone wakes me up for bedtime’ moments.

Can’t complain though 🙂 It keeps me employed and that pays for the couch that I nap on 🙂

That’s not saying that I have done nothing of course.  Tash and kids has been framed and gifted.  So happy with the way that it came out.  Tash loved it 🙂

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Because this is now completed I have managed to make good headway on Warm My Heart.  I really do love this one.  It’s such a dream to stitch 🙂

Not quite sure how that one photo ended upside down but oh well hahaha

Also, because I’m once again relaxed and not over focused on one project I have gotten the diamond painting out again and made some good progress.  Mind you, this is helped by it being winter and I tend to do it in the morning when darling husband is catching up on the previous nights rugby 🙂 Turns out the little diamond thingies reflect light really well so you can’t actually see what you are doing if you need to turn a light bulb on.  Better to do it in natural sunlight 🙂

Faster than cross stitch but still a slow process 🙂

Well that has been the grand total of all my endeavours in the past 2 weeks.

Ka Kete Ano